Edition #9: Faith and Autism: A Journey of Acceptance and Compassion in Faith Communities
Faith communities are often seen as places of refuge, compassion, and acceptance. For many families raising autistic children, spiritual and emotional support isn’t just a desire—it’s a necessity. Yet, too often, instead of open arms, they are met with cold judgment, rejection, and indifference.
Recently, I attended a webinar led by Dr. Sheila Akoniah, a lecturer at Aberdeen University, carrying out ongoing research to explore black experiences with autism and faith. A woman shared a heartbreaking experience. She is raising three autistic children alone after her husband walked away, unable to cope. She turned to her church for solace, expecting love and understanding. Instead, she was met with dismissive words: “We cannot help.” They did not see a mother in need of compassion but another “divorcee” to be silently condemned. It was a painful reminder that many faith communities remain ill-equipped not just practically but in spirit to provide the support neurodivergent families desperately need. Research indicates that divorce rates are higher than those with neurotypical children. Raising children with autism and other learning disabilities can place additional stress on relationships. Out of pressure and in dire situations some children need to be in residential homes and some thrive in these settings but the separation can be heart-wrenching. Some people are so cold and wish that this is a solution for everyone even when it is not necessary – God weighs all thoughts from afar and will judge all those who wish such evil on children no matter how long it takes.
My journey has been a mix of both challenges and blessings. In my book, Autistic: Leaping Over Walls While Living with Autism, I discuss how my faith in God has sustained me. I’ve experienced the warmth of faith-based communities that truly embody Christ-like love. But I’ve also seen the other side that fails at the first hurdle of acceptance while claiming to preach love.
In the early 2000s, my church in South Kensington could not support my son, Joshua. Not because they lacked goodwill, but because the understanding of autism and neurodivergence wasn’t there. But when we joined the Christ Apostolic Church in Mitcham, Southwest London, the difference was astounding. When they saw Joshua’s love for art, they ensured he had materials to express himself. They demonstrated the very compassion that Jesus preached—not through empty words but through action. To this day, I remain in touch with members of that church, a testament to the power of genuine love and understanding.
However, this isn’t the experience for every family. The overwhelming consensus from the webinar was that many churches and faith-based spaces still fail to acknowledge the existence and struggles of neurodivergent individuals. Some families feel invisible and others, outright shunned. And yet, as Christians, are we not called to love? Jesus did not reserve His compassion for the easy, the convenient, or the socially acceptable. His love extended to the outcast, the misunderstood, and the rejected.
Last year, I was invited to speak at the Redeemed Christian Church of God (RCCG) in Southeast London. I was encouraged by the genuine desire of the Pastor to make his congregation more inclusive. His words resonated deeply, and the impact was immediate. After my talk, a young woman approached me, admitting that she had never truly understood the toll autism takes on families. That single conversation changed her perspective—so much that she decided to offer babysitting help to a friend raising an autistic child alone. Until my talk, she had never thought of asking her friend how she copes!
Sometimes, it isn’t grand gestures that make the difference. It is the smallest acts of kindness—a listening ear, a helping hand, a moment of genuine inclusion.
The Hypocrisy of Judgment: The Truth About Marriage and Divorce
Yet, there is another layer to the judgment that single women and single parents, particularly single mothers, face in faith communities. The sanctimonious whispers, the assumptions, the false superiority of those who believe marriage, is a badge of honour. Let’s be honest: some of the most miserable women are the ones with plaques on their walls celebrating decades of a marriage they despise. They wear their suffering like a garment, but instead of addressing their unhappiness, they point fingers at those who dared to leave and prioritize their well-being.
In my former church, there was a young lady who was looked down on by so-called “happily married women” because she had a child out of wedlock. I warmed up to her and she opened up to me that she was a victim of rape by a family member! She had faced pressure from family and friends to abort the child but instead, she was prepared to be ostracised rather than lose her beautiful boy! Most women would have aborted the child and “claimed repentance” to preserve their reputation. I watched her with so much admiration, not only did she flourish in her walk with God, but her career took off while raising her son and after dealing with her trauma through therapy, she started a friendship with a fine young man. So, without knowing her story, most people especially young women her age who sometimes throw themselves and manipulate the ‘brothers’ into marriage and walk the hall of morality thinking they have one on her!
In my book, I share how I made the difficult decision to end my 16+-year marriage, not because I did not value marriage, but because I had tried counselling through my pastors at, Christ Apostolic Church in Mitcham, oh how my Pastor John and Bayo intervened and I tried professionally to no avail. My mental health was at stake, as I flourished in my career, and my greatest determination to be a good mother to my children mattered more than keeping up appearances. I have also played cupid to family and friends because I know the value of marriage and I am not an advocate for divorce. In the past, a few people who have approached me, but were shocked that I suggested counselling as an option. As a married woman, I kept single friends and never questioned their journey, and when my marriage ended, they rallied around me. God ordained marriage, and God knew the fallibility of men and set out grounds for divorce too, even though he hates divorce. But let’s not pretend that every marriage is a haven. Some marriages are prisons, crush the spirit, and leave individuals broken.
Here’s the irony: the loudest voices casting judgment on single parents are often the same women who would leave their marriages in a heartbeat if only they had the courage, financial means, or emotional strength. Many of them stay, not out of devotion, but because they need the security their husbands provide, and what people will say or they remain for the sake of the kids. They endure affairs, disrespect, and loneliness, yet they mock those who step away from dysfunction. They think they are immune to misfortune, but life humbles everyone eventually.
And of course, the boasts: “We’ve been married for 7 years, 10 years, I find it laughable that even young women who are yet to face even greater hurdles of raising families given the current economic and crazy society we live in are the loudest! Aha 25 years! ” We’ve been together for 30 years—through thick and thin!”. But what they never say is how well those years have been lived and how emotionally checked out some of them are! Because that’s the real question, isn’t it?
It’s not about the number of anniversaries celebrated or the performative smiles at church gatherings or “the show of activities on their social media stories” which is hardly the representation of their real lives! It’s about the substance of that marriage. What do they have to show for it? Is there peace? Joy? A real partnership? Or is it just a life sentence in a relationship drained of love, filled with insecurity, and held together by fear, obligation, and societal pressure?
Happy and accomplished women and men have no time to idolise marriage, these sets of people are grateful and focus on personal growth and how they can impact others more positively. They do not have time to poke at people who may have chosen singlehood with better clarity and are spiritually, emotionally, and financially healthy. There are also happily single people who do not want to get married by choice. I have a friend who made the decision not to be married, she just wants to stay single with her only daughter. Even when the opportunity presented itself, she turned it down. I have another close sister/friend, who divorced after 16 years of marriage and met a lovely man who proposed to her within 6 months of dating, but she also declined! So let it be known that some people do not desire marriage. She will be smiling when she reads this!
About 5 years ago, my childhood friend lost her husband in his 50s, she had built a life with a man she believed she would grow old with. Her husband was a very focused and accomplished man who left the corporate world to create a business model in sustainability and development in the Niger Delta of Nigeria, he leveraged his network of greater minds and contributed to poverty alleviation initiatives and out of this gave scholarships to many families. She never imagined she’d be left alone to raise their children. Through his legacy and goodwill, doors remain open for her. Each time I touch-base with her she is full of testimonies! Life does not guarantee anyone stability. Some of these women sitting in judgment do not even come from families where healthy marriages were modelled. They have no blueprint for what a good marriage should look like apart from the illusion of a fairy tale life that doesn’t exist. Yet they mock others when their hearts are worn on their sleeves.! What they fail to realize is, that what you mock in others, has a way of finding its way back to you. Judgment is a boomerang and one day, it may return to them in ways they never expected.
Success Has Never Been Defined by Marital Status
This obsession with judging others based on their marital status is a cultural conditioning that can sometimes end in loss of lives, illnesses from stress, and resentment. Some of the greatest minds and high-achieving individuals in the world have had vastly different marital experiences, yet their success, contributions, and legacy were never tied to their relationship status.
Look at Dr. Ben Carson: a brilliant neurosurgeon and former U.S. Secretary for Housing and Urban Development. Married.
Look at Ngozi Okonjo-Iweala: the first African and first woman to lead the World Trade Organization. Married.
Look at Condoleezza Rice: one of the most powerful women in U.S. politics, former Secretary of State, and respected academic. Never married.
Look at Kathryn Kuhlman: An enduring legacy even beyond her lifetime, God anointed her with a healing ministry that has left an indelible mark in the world. Divorced!
Do their achievements hold less value because of their marital choices? Absolutely not. Even in God’s kingdom, the criteria for heaven makes no mention of a successful or failed marriage. Africans and Black communities with shallow minds have allowed themselves to be programmed by societal expectations that have no biblical or intellectual basis. The fixation on marriage by some faith people as the highest achievement is misguided when character, impact, and purpose matter far more.
The Silent Marriages: Truth Few Dare to Speak
Let’s also talk about the silent suffering of many married men. The ones trapped in marriages that drain them of joy, yet they stay because they, too, are bound by societal expectations. They are exhausted—mentally, emotionally, spiritually. They have mastered the art of escape, finding ways to exhale in places their wives never suspect. These men keep female friendships, not always for infidelity but for intellectual and emotional nourishment, because they aren’t getting it at home. They know the game well, a game they played long before marriage. They have perfected the art of appearing devoted while secretly yearning for freedom. And when the opportunity presents itself, they seize it—overjoyed to send their wives and children on holiday for those who can afford it or they indulge in alcohol, tobacco, and sometimes more than tobacco as a means of escape! The hypocrisy is astounding. A marriage certificate does not guarantee a lifetime of happiness, nor does divorce signify failure. The real failure is living a life of pretence, refusing to acknowledge what is broken, and hiding behind the illusion of stability while mocking those who choose authenticity.
Strength Beyond Measure: A Testament to Resilience
At one of my former churches, a unit was created specifically to offer welfare/support for single mothers. My bishop, upon seeing my name on the list, ordered it to be removed. When questioned, he responded: “It is an insult to put Elsie’s name on the list. She is unique, God has given her the strength of five couples combined.” Instead, he made me take on a mentorship role for the program. That statement stayed with me, not because I needed validation, but because it was a recognition that strength is not determined by marital status. Strength is not found in rings or wedding vows, but it is found in the ability to persevere, and create a loving home against all odds.
As for me, I will continue to live unapologetically loud and colourful, creating a legacy to expand my business El’Rog Ltd a hair and beauty brand through collaboration and mentorship with elevated minds. Our Mission is to be a ‘Force for Good’, which includes showcasing autistic and others with learning disabilities through our commercials. My Author-Preneurship and consulting business, has opened doors of partnership with influential, and elevated minds to create a pathway for education, advocacy, public speaking, and digital and non-digital courses that will continue for generations. My goal is to empower my children and others that financial success isn’t only tied to employment under corporations. With God on our side, we have embarked on entrepreneurial creativity, purpose, social and community impact.
So the next time someone in a faith community looks at a single parent with judgment in their eyes, let them ask themselves this: Are they truly happy? Or are they simply afraid of a truth they refuse to face?
Get my best-selling book on Amazon or via my website Autistic: Leaping Over Walls While Living with Autism.
Digital course on Autism Autism Awareness and Acceptance Course – by Elsie Rogers – Author, Entrepreneur, Business Change Consultant, Speaker.
Look out for our Autism Coaching Course by summer: Practical Strategies and Compassionate Guidance to Empower Parents and Support Their Child’s Unique Journey.
